Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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