Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
