cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
