The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Rumble strips road head = magical
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
