i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Acid is not a monday night drug
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
