i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
