I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
