it's not cheating when I paid for it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
