i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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