my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
