I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
