the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
