The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
