Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Randomize
