Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
