She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
