My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
