Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
