I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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