Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sarcasm needs its own font
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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