Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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