yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
