It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
