its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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