get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
