I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
