I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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