She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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