your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
