All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Vodka?
Forever.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
