You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
