Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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