I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
