If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
