I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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