Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
