sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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