Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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