Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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