What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
