the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
