I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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