oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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