I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
