This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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