he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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