She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
