I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
