I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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