when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
